The Bella Vista and Stanhope Gardens Real Estate Guide

Today we take a look at an area of Sydney that is sprouting noxious suburbs full of John Howard voting conservative God-fearing folk, living in environmentally destroying, offensively oversized double story fake plastic cookie-cutter project-home McMansions. More specifically, the suburbs of Bella Vista and Stanhope Gardens, the worst of a bad bunch. We hope you enjoy this guide and find it informative.

Bella Vista $1,349,000

We'll let you in on a little secret. Here, in Bella Vista, we're right in the middle of Sydney's bible belt. And when we mean "Master built home", we mean "MASTER built home". That's right, crafted by the hands of God Himself. This home, which will be ready to occupy in early 2006, has just left Heaven and is photographed here making its way past the Andromeda Galaxy on its way to Bella Vista. For closer inspection, please cast your telescopes to Right Ascention = 6hours 15 minutes, and Declination = 54 degrees, this Saturday at 10pm.

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Bella Vista $1,200,000

Dude, where's my car? Ahahaha. You'll spend hours amusing the family with games like "Which door is the Toyota Landcruiser behind?" and "Which door will open when I press this B&D Remote Control Button?" Whether you want to always park your car behind the same door, or plan a rotating roster - it's your choice! But you better hurry, at this price, this house will be the choice of many!

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Bella Vista $1,095,000

Forget negotiating the crazy cul-de-sacs, horrendous highways and terrible traffic you'll inevitably encounter on your way to the beach. WE'RE bringing the beach to YOUR DOOR! Pack the esky, beach towels and the family in the Tarago and make the very short drive to your driveway and enjoy basking in the sun and listening to the waves of traffic rolling by. As a special offer, we're throwing in two wooden rafts. Just remember to stay between the flags! Would also suit homesick Perth expats.

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Bella Vista $1,380,000

This contemporary home is rather contemporary. We know this because it doesn't have a tiled roof and most of the roof is flat, just like contemporary homes elsewhere. It's also contemporary because it is painted grey like all the contemporary houses in the contemporary eastern suburbs and it also has a bright yellow contemporary thing that says "look at moi, Kimmy, look at moi". It even has contemporary plants, not including the tree right out the front. I just wish I could speak French so I could think of something really contemporary to add to this sales pitch. No doubt the materials and quality of construction of this house will prove to be very temporary.

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Bella Vista $1,190,000

With gays, immigrants and left wing liberal heathens destroying the fabric of society and forcing developers to convert old unused churches into houses and loft apartments, it's important for todays religious folk to combat this plague and start converting their houses into churches. This house is as fine an example as there is of that. With 6 apexes pointing to the heavens above in its intelligent design (that's just the front!) and a front entrance that would have St Peter fuming in jealousy, this heavenly house is an unexpirable automatic ticket past the pearly gates for the family who are willing to outbid the rest of the flock.

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Bella Vista $950,000 - $1,050,000

Yearning for yesteryear? Can't go past the decorative timber verandah and handrails or the motifed gables? Well, now YOU can live in the 'olden days' in this brand new Federation era mansion. Live like they did over 100 years ago with air conditioning, ducted heating, jetmaster fireplace, electric kitchen and garage parking for the family sedan, family people mover, and family 4WD. We know you voted for John Howard (it's Bella Vista, after all!) so we know you'll love living in the past.

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Bella Vista $1,350,000.

This house is designed for the discerning 7 ft gentleman who likes to keep two ladies in the house, as you can see in the photo above. And you'll need two, considering how big this house is. One for the cooking and the other one for dusting? One in the sack and one doing both the dusting and the cooking? Or perhaps both putting a fine black polish on the road in front of your house? It's your choice! With parking for his and her and her cars. A bargain at this price!

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Stanhope Gardens $399,950

Want a Stanhope Gardens address but can't afford the price? Buy a garage and letterbox instead! You can boost your image to your clients by having all your mail redirected to this prestige suburb. It's also a handy location to "park and ride". You can forget the hassles of inner city traffic by parking here, walking 35 minutes to the nearest bus stop, catching a bus to the nearest train station, and the city is then only a 25 minute ride away!! This garage also comes with numerous bedrooms, bathrooms, and lounge rooms, so you can freshen up after arriving here from work, before driving off home.

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Stanhope Gardens $610,000

With all the illegal immigrants in every nook and cranny of your home these days, we've designed a house, with your safety in mind, which features the very latest in state of the art security systems. Not one, but TWO de"fence" shields and a highly visible terrorism alert sign, so you'll be the first to know when the Government has upgraded its terror alert level from yellow to orange. This house is so inpenetrable, you might not even be able to get in! But in this day and age, are you willing to make these kinds of sacrifices to know you're doing everything you possibly can to keep your family safe? If you love your children, you'll say yes. Buy this home. You do love your children, right?

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Stanhope Gardens $475,000

By the time we photographed this house for our Real Estate Sales Guide, somebody had already moved in. The colour scheme did all the selling! No offers will be considered.

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Stanhope Gardens $529,000

The bricklayers were so blown away by this house when they were building it, they didn't know when to stop! Fortunately though, after only overshooting by a metre or so, they ran out of bricks. Which then meant they had to steal from the batch next door to build the letterbox. Inspect this house and we guarentee you'll be blown away too.

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All photos taken from realestate.com.au.